Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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