I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
