Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
