mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
