There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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