things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
