Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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