My liver just broke up with me...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
