I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
