im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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