I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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