No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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