Will you blow on my dice?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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