I didn't shave. On purpose
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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