I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I am naked and annoyed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
