My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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