so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
