why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, he came in my armpit
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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