When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
