I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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