He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize