I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
