dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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