We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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