My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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