Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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