stop calling my apartment porn island.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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