I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
