I'm jealous of your bromance
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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