3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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