They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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