I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
