So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Randomize
