i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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