My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
