As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
