I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
