Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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