he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
