Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
