I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
