apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
