Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
