I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
