Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
