the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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