I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
