Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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