Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
