Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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