I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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