Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
