I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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