Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
