Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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