Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
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