I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
