i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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