So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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