eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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