i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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