all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
